I wanted to write about Anathema – a band I had discarded as something just not me long ago, but found again lately. I wanted to tell you about how it is not true that it is depressive in nature, but a little contemplation brought me to understanding that it is not Anathema that is not depressive anymore but me.
When I was younger, I was certainly depressed. I could feel down and wallow in it for days and weeks and months. I was living in my daydreams (part of them about different ways to die suddenly) and almost didn’t notice the world around me – at least this is my theory for the reason I don’t remember more than a few moments from my life. That is why I know what is depression, why it is freaky and how it can be enjoyable.
Now, when I am independent, somehow more in control of my life, I have grown more real, more interactive and social, more happy overall. I don’t say I don’t live in daydreams anymore – I do, that is what makes routine activities like running enjoyable – but I am happy and the reality of my life balances out my daydreams that probably will never come true more than in my mind. I am alone (e.g. without a man), sure, but I am happy.
And that is why depressive music doesn’t depress me anymore. I know these are sad thoughts, I get the connection, I feel it, but I don’t feel it as my own feelings but as someone else’s, someone to commiserate. I don’t feel it as depressive for me, as a danger for my happiness as I did just a few years back, when I started to avoid it just for this reason. Funny, how such things can change in so little a time.
I know I’ll regret writing it but I will nonetheless. The only music that is really depressive for me, one that I do avoid still, is music that speaks about hope for everyone to find their one true love, where they least expect… I don’t believe in there being an accessible one true love. And still I crave for it. And still I wouldn’t change my life to let someone in – I am so happy as I am. And so love songs bother me more than “depressive” music.
* Curiously, I don’t think about myself as being very addicted or dependent on music, yet I find myself again and again writing about it. It is a very curious phenomena.
** So, people who know me now, try to imagine me even more passive and silent and unnoticeable…