There I was – alone, away from home and all those everyday things – and there I had the most wonderful emotion, the most wonderful experience one could have – one of falling in love. I remember the exact moment – the suddenness, the excitement, the delight, the overwhelming awe of that happening!
I have wanted to remember, exactly what it was that I was doing at the time, but I never could. The experience must have been so much more emotional and meaningful to me that I have just forgotten it. I guess I was just doodling around or pondering something with my tea or maybe adding another coat of paint to some painting. I vaguely remember noticing a love song to someone called Sarah Lou and wondering, whether there is some big love story about someone called Sarah Lou to have so many songs about love with a girl named that; or maybe the name is just popular among girls, who get songs written about them; or whether maybe it was just a good name to rhyme with “(I love) you” so everybody was using it. Not that I remembered other songs namely. This was a cursory wondering, barely something to be called a thought – most of my mind was probably dealing with something that at the time seemed more important. I remember the song ending for a moment and then continuing on with almost the same rhythm. And there, just at that moment it happened…
“Yes, I want you, too, I want you to be mine…”, a deep hypnotic voice was saying.
And then and there I wanted too – I had fallen in love. The ecstasy of the moment is still vividly printed on my mind. No shape – only the sound and the feeling. I stopped doing whatever it was I was doing momentarily. I just went to my tiny computer and looked up the name of this newfound love. Lacrimas Profundere. I did too*, but they were the tears of happiness. And then I plugged in my headphones to get the sound and the feeling sharper and more intense; the sound clearer and more full than the smaller-than-small-laptop speakers could ever give me.
And there I did lay with them, doing nothing else than listening, and not just this one time, either. I came to them time and again – every time I wanted the deep feeling, the dark atmosphere, the longing sounding from the band. I might do it as the last thing before going to sleep or the first thing after my daily excercise. I might go to them to get my head clear of whatever problems I had with what I was doing. It was always a joy, it was always a contentment.
What I don’t understand is, how could it have happened like that, with that unexpected snap. I had listened to it before, I had classified it into the “good hearing” folder. But not before this moment did I feel any of the songs resonating in me deeply like that. Maybe I needed to familiarize myself with them before it could happen. Maybe I just realized at that moment that these were so lifelike a bad guy’s words – just there had been a song with “everytime was just for you” – even with the girl leaving the boy – and then he already sings with this same sensuous voice about another girl, cynically adding “I want you, too” (later I understood that that “too” could mean mutual love instead of what I was hearing in my mind, but to me this song is always about guy wanting another girl soon after splitting up with one – and it got me wondering whether they had planned it just the way it sounds to me).
But, as holiday romances go, this had to end, too. The sad ending came as the beginning hadn’t come – gradually. I got tired of the same songs over and over again, I got bored with the simplicity and similarity of them. I was so detached from this love at the time my vacation ended that I didn’t even look the band up before writing this story – that is five days after seeing internet again. Now I know that they have other albums as well. Maybe I should get some. Maybe I can get more enjoyment squeezed out of it… But I rather believe it would be in vain. This dear small holiday thing was all we could have and I am very much afraid I will ruin the memory when I try to have more time with it…
Soundtrack – Lacrimas Profundere “Ave End”
* Wikipedia says: ‘Their name means “to shed tears” in Latin’