Last weekend a friend of mine – whom I had had as a friend long time ago and now our friendship was renewed – gave me some music. I copied it to my !New Folder, where there were other folders of half-unlistened albums from two other friends as well. Some of them from very long time ago – close to a year? Anyway, I listened to those albums, that A. gave me for a while and classified them – deleted some, moved some, etc. Then I decided I should organize other music in that folder as well.
As I said, they had been there for long. I had tried to listen to them, but never really had paid attention to them. So when I listened to those albums, one by one, moving some to the main folder, deleting others, I came upon an album that literally made me cry. It was so beautiful! Sad, delicate, perfect. I couldn’t believe I had dismissed it always before – and I had listened to it before, so much that some of it even sounded familiar. I couldn’t work any more, I had to listen to it. I had to stop organizing folders because I had to listen to it. I listened and I listened and although the album itself was rather sad, touching on some of the not-so-happy points in my own life as well, I was even more sad about the fact that I hadn’t discovered the treasure earlier. I had it right there, for too long to be tolerated. I listened to it, but never understood how good it was. It was always there, but I never did anything to take it, to even try it. Just as it is the case with some other things in my life.
Now I feel like I have to make some promises – to always organize things sooner, as soon as I get them, won’t let it happen again -, but I can’t give those promises and believe them to be true. I know I am lazy. I’d like to accomplish many things, so many that at some times I can’t choose, which to pursue next (when I have the time and place and privacy, will I knit, write (blog or book?), paint (new or some of the unfinished stuff?), read (which of the books?), do something for my house, search for a longer skirt (or its canvas?) or well-fitting trousers in shops, work out, etc). Organizing music I have is just one of those options. I just can’t start without wondering that maybe something else would be more practical, more productive, more enjoyable thing to do. I love doing all of those I listed above, but there are always some things that need to get done more than these. Things I don’t enjoy so much, but that have to get done. There is always something I should do with my time, even when it subtracts from one of my long-term goals. And it is so-oo enjoyable to just lay around, just feel comfortable in my laziness. Just feel like I can let myself enjoy it. Just sleep. Dream. Nothing serious. And so the weeks and months – and years! – go by and I have not really finished a picture, got off from the start of my book, more than started my next jumper, etc.
I always wonder how come some people have the initiative and will to do great things, that take so much time. The willingness to risk losing everything for some great goal. The ability to choose one of these many things that are in one’s life. I can’t do it. I can’t accomplish anything with my focus divided. I can’t even start doing anything when I am just so lazy. And it hurts to see, that another measure (a month, a season, a year) has gone by and still, nothing accomplished, nothing really moved.What to do? I don’t know.
Soundtrack: Dial – Synchronized